And so begins another week.

This one is going to be tough but teach me to be fearful of You alone & to rejoice in it all- until I’m a bundle of joy. like this little one..

suck it up! haha :) 

TWO POSTS=MIDTERMS AGAIN

but after talking to my roommate just now, I remembered this & it perfectly matches the previous post! …

We need more LOVE in this world. Time to give it out! :) 

Starry night

I’m in a very artistic feeling mood right now when I should be studying Ochem, physics, and bio. My fingers are itching and my mind just can’t sit still! I was just thinking about how I actually visited quite a few art exhibits within the past two months- okay well, two in particular. There are times when I love to draw, paint, bake, play the piano, do whatever I can to get in touch with creativity because it makes me feel so alive and at peace. During one of our MESAHI layovers, we got to go to the National Gallery in London and even though we didn’t have much time to spend there, I couldn’t believe that we were actually there! In front of Van Gogh’s “Sunflowers” or Monet’s “The Portal in the Sun Painting.” Okay, I sometimes feel really nerdy for liking such things especially when everyone else didn’t seem to care much for it. But, I really do wish I knew so much more about culture and art and just… EVERYTHING! But honestly, if you’ve ever painted an oil painting on canvas, you would know that it takes an incredible amount of time to perfect the masterpiece and you would not spend all that energy doing so unless it is something you really want to create- something you really want to speak. Each painting has a story; each artist has a story. Oh if a painting had words to speak. Sometimes when I stay in south campus for too long, studying all these science classes, I get really antsy and need a break. Bust out some markers, paper, baking sheets, piano music, and let myself go. I really hope that I never become stale and boring in my mentality :/ Gotta keep the juices flowing! Perhaps I’ll make a little art/sewing/jewelry making/music playing/ journal writing room in my future house! .. on top of a great kitchen to cook in. haha. 

So I wonder, what do you see when you look at this painting you’ve probably seen many times before? 

My imperfect love.

Lately I’ve been wondering why I see some of my relationships struggling to stay above water, to go beyond the shallow end of the sea- back to the place where intimacy was found from deep to deep. Why is it that I don’t get on that boat and paddle out to meet them where they are anymore? To put the extra effort in… Something about this year is different. Friends who used to be so close suddenly seem more than a phone call away and meeting up to catch up has been less urgent on my heart. I can feel things slowly fade to stone within me and I’m trying to fight it as best as I can.

I always thought that love in itself is a good thing- a complete thing. It’s a noun after all right? But today I realized that, in my life, love is an incomplete, and thus imperfect, verb. My heart sometimes has so many holes and reserves when I try to share it that I end up selfishly keeping it tucked safely away out of convenience and out of fear. Or, when I do offer to love someone, it is so conditional it can become hurtful; so limited it becomes draining; and so little that it is barely anything at all. In the end, imperfect love is just a cheap imitation of goodness. Nobody wins. I’ve stumbled again and again and again that there are not enough fingers to count. & gosh, giving imperfect love is so worthless when Perfect love is willing and capable of being manifested in me if I pursue it. 

Jesus, I want that.

I want that love- the Love that You alone can offer Your people. 
A love so high, even the heavens seem to fall at its feet.
A love so deep that goes beyond the deepest drop in the ocean seas. 
& I don’t just mean want it with my lips or with my mind but I want it with empty hands that know they have nothing good to offer and an imperfect heart on its knees desperate to be made into something more.
wash it over me.
drench it on until every hole is complete and not only that,
but until it is made clean.
until it is more than enough to give because what I have now just won’t cut it. 

Anything less than Perfect is not enough to heal, to change, to offer, to please You. 
Pauls prayer for the Ephesians.  

the cutest duck.

While working the shift at Pediatrics today, I saw the cutest thing. Lately, there have been a lot of H1N1 and influenza patients so both staff and the families of the patients must wear masks to prevent airborne viruses from spreading. The masks they have been using recently are in the shape of a duck beak. One of the H1N1 patients was a little three year old girl who was totally energetic and all smiles despite her illness. Her dad was wheeling her out in her stroller to go to a procedure on another floor so her mom said, “Bye bye sweetie!” to which the little girl responded, “Bye bye mama duckie!” and the momma proceeded to quack and act silly until the little girl was all giggles.

I totally want to be like that when I have kids. I can’t wait to have a family someday! … in the distant future hehe :)  

Faithfulness

I remember during my junior year of high school, when things started to get tough and tensions ran high in our house, I would always step outside my front door and sit on my driveway at night. In particular, I remember one night when I was needing to be reminded that He really IS who He claimed to be in the valleys- even when it wasn’t evident to me yet. I walked outside, my mind clouded with worries, tears welling up in me, and for some reason, I just felt like someone was telling me to look up. It was a full moon. So often we sing songs that say “Did you rise the sun for me?” or use the sun as a symbol of His faithfulness every morning- knowing that it’s a new day with new mercies. But that particular night, I just remember being reminded that the evidence of His faithfulness goes beyond that. When the sun sets at night, the moon comes out- sometimes it’s full, sometimes not- but something is always there (unless there is an eclipse I guess … :/). And it was just so comforting to know that in the third watch of the night, He is JUST as faithful.

Again, just came back from Drake stadium- trying to run things off my mind physically. While running, I looked up again and the moon was so full and so bright. Thank you Jesus.

On another note, I love finding new beautiful places on campus.

In deserve of praise!

I saw this photo and it totally looked like celebration… which is what this post is going to be about! (and I think people only read posts when there are pictures… or are more inclined to)

SO, for the past two weeks, I have been studying ochem, life science, and physics like my life depended on it. Since I am taking lecture notes for my ochem professor, I have been keeping up and studying for it consistently- going to tutoring sessions, asking questions after class, you name it. I didn’t understand why people didn’t like ochem because I thought it was pretty fun and all it required was a little memorization. Friday comes around and I had back to back ochem and physics midterms with a one hour gap in-between.  I totally thought I had ochem in the bag and I was somewhat nervous for physics because I’ve never been good at it. Plus, I spent most of my time studying for ochem that there just weren’t enough hours in a day. I walked in to ochem, sat in the front row and reviewed my notes quickly before the hour started. Papers handed out. Ready. Begin. I worked frantically and solved all the problems as fast as I could- knew most of the concept but suddenly, I heard “Time’s up” UGH. WHAT?! I was so devastated that I ran out of time. :( I walked out of there with my pride hurt and wondering what I did wrong. Okay. One hour to pull myself together and go in for physics. Round 2. I waited outside the lecture hall and read through my notes, finalized my equations sheet, and listened to others talk about what they expect. I just kept telling Him how I really needed to do well this quarter to pull up my GPA and I’ve been sacrificing so much- don’t I deserve it?? I was so broken earlier that week… I couldn’t take it anymore! I put my notes aside and just started reading Deuteronomy and it just hit me- Deuteronomy 9. Not because of our righteousness but because of His. Walked into the lecture hall and the professor told us that we should look over the 3 problems before starting to see which one we wanted to tackle first. I glanced at the first one- Uhh… what is this?! Problem two… just gets worse… ugh. I started back at problem 1 and couldn’t get much further than knowing which equation to use. Skip to problem 3. same thing. Go back to 1 and force myself to calm down, pray, and begin. Seriously, it was a miracle. I don’t know how I even managed to finish the test let alone have extra time to double check my work and walk out 10 minutes early… did I do it all wrong??

Yesterday I got back my ochem score and was not to happy. High class average and barely did above that. Sigh :/. The whole day I kept reasoning with myself and calculating points to see what I needed to get on the next midterm. I wasn’t thankful. Today in physics, I was so nervous about getting my exam back. During lecture I kept wondering if it really was Him or if I just screwed up big time. I either finished it quickly because I was ignorant or… I don’t know. Could it be? I couldn’t believe it. “A” with NO curve. uhhh… God are you serious?! is this a joke?! This has NEVER happened in the history of my physics classes. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU (with a thank you dance) for miracles. :) And I was reminded of Deuteronomy 9.

Not by might.
Nor by will.
Nor by studying late nights or refining my skills.
But through you, for you, to you glory is found. Goodness is found.

Grace is found. Grace- unmerited favor that rains down.  

While thinking about Hallelujah festival...

haha.
what a clever idea.

two posts in one day?!

It must be midterm season haha.

I just have this huge urge to find a way to the roof of Sproul so I can stargaze at night and just relax. After this long week, I just want to sit in silence and be content :) I actually love all my classes and I’m learning a lot even though its LDKGDNOIEHR hard. Really, professors make a huge difference in whether or not a subject becomes interesting. One thing that I just randomly thought of today was our family trip to Alaska a few years back. We went on a cruise and our room was literally right next to the deck so at night we could just go outside, sit on the lounge chairs, and watch the aurora borealis. AH it is seriously so beautiful. If you’ve ever watched the movie Brother Bear… it doesn’t do the actual view any justice. but it’s a super cute movie nonetheless. 

I hope to go back someday! In the meantime, I think I shall go to the Diamond Bar community center this weekend and just unwind at night- one of my favorite spots :) I’m craving adventure and excitement- itching to get out of study mode already… at least for a day…. :) After coming back from Kenya, nothing seems as adventurous in comparison anymore. 

okayokay. back to ochem & physics.
Colossians 3:23 babyyy.