Here’s to remembering…(in case I read back on this someday)
No matter how old I get, I always want to have a dream, a goal, a vision. Even if people tell me that it’s lame and not going to happen, just keep going. Even if it might seem to be impossible at times or cost a lot (time, money, relationships, or otherwise)… if it means enough, fight for it.
No matter how old I get, I always want to believe that I can still make a difference— that my actions bear consequences and if I choose wisely, those consequences just might change … something or someone for the better.
Don’t EVER be idle or settle for what’s easy just because it’s easy. Wipe away the tears of frustration and sadness and press on towards greater goals.
Find things to inspire. Plan adventures to embrace and amazing people to surround yourself with.
Make sure to love.
It’s been awhile since I’ve seen this blank canvas of a blog page. It’s been awhile since I’ve really sat down to be introspective on the areas of life that require a little more brain or heart power. It’s been awhile since I’ve anything weighed in my heart enough for me to push through the thought of journaling into the action if journaling. It has just been awhile since…
The older I get, the more I realize that I cannot be the indecisive person that I am. There comes a point where I have to make a decision— a concrete decision that has concrete consequences whether good or bad. As much as I like to keep doors open and ponder (and re-ponder) my options, I’m starting to see that not know is it not beneficial, it can potentially harm even more.
This hard lesson pervades so many aspects of my young 21 year old life. From desperately seeking to find the ‘best’ career to reluctantly pinpointing the type of person I want to be. The latter has been weighing more and more heavily recently.
I’ve been in this state of spiritual apathy for quite some time now with the root cause still unidentified. Perhaps there isn’t a single moment that triggered it and it was merely one of those oh-so-common Christian declines. Whatever it may be, I think I’m nearing the point where I am ready to decide who I want to be in this regard. Or rather, I’m ready to recognize the person that I chose to be that day so long ago when I had my first small revelation of Christ.
There are many types of loves in this world. Likewise, when one thinks of God’s love, there are many aspects that people identify with. Some focus on the friendship/companion aspect; some break at the forgiveness His love portrays; for others it’s the Father’s love makes them drop to their knees… and while these are all powerful, the only character that never fails to penetrate into my stone-like nature nowadays is faithfulness.
‘Your love it never fails,
it never gives up
it never runs out on me.’
Something about faithfulness always brings me to humility— partly because I know that it is one of the most difficult things for my love to embody. When a friend, a significant other, or a parent can offer love that never runs out, I cannot help but begin to love them back.
I suppose there was no real point to this entry except for the fact that I want to remember this— I want to remember the beginnings of making a concrete decision to strive for faithful love.
I love going to the rooftops of buildings, particularly at UCLA. The world from above suddenly seems so small and the big picture perspective kicks in. I’ve been meaning to post for awhile now with at least 5 unpublished and unfinished drafts sitting on my dashboard… but for some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to complete any of those scattered thoughts.
When I browse through all the seemingly groundbreaking life lessons I’ve been learning recently, my mind becomes overwhelmed and my heart swells with gratitude. The reoccurring theme? Simply that we are such undeserving people. Two major thoughts of the past week:
1. It’s sad how much our best still falls short of perfection sometimes… especially in the area of love. The truth is, good intentions just aren’t good enough. Good intentions sometimes result in the deepest scars. Awhile ago, I wrote a post on the realization that my love is so imperfect— quick to judge, slow to forgive, and limited in supply. More and more I’ve come to realize that the only remedy to this imperfect love is overflowing grace.
2. Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get— but you know that it will always be sweet in the end. I’ve never been more on edge about what is to come than I am with graduation around the corner. In the midst of scrambling to figure things out, I’ve come to realize that many of the ‘tough decisions’ in life are actually the equivalent of choosing between a chocolate almond cluster and a chocolate peanut cluster.
Cheers to a sweet life
To say that I felt disappointed today would be an understatement. Our senior design capstone team gave our final presentation at the UCLA Bioengineering Symposium against some pretty stiff competition. We all thought that we had a good shot of winning. 6 months of work filled with endless hours in meetings, in the lab, and trouble-shooting culminated to today and we literally laid it all out on the table. I don’t think any one of us gave anything short of 110%. I suppose the feeling we felt after the event could be best described as the feeling you get when you just heard some very abrupt bad news you weren’t anticipating. It’s the most unsettling feeling and for the past few hours, I just couldn’t shake it off. The feeling only magnifies when you know how much more effort was put in and how much more heart was invested relative to the winning team.
As I was driving tonight, I realized that I struggle with being content with the portion He’s given me. When ambition settles in and I start to see all the seemingly good possibilities out there, I start to discount the lot that I have. Suddenly, my portion looks so small and I question that He has my interests at heart. I question that He is withholding greater things and darn it! He just won’t let me have it. It’s kind of like being a kid in a candy store where you see all that you can have but your mom tells you that you should only have one or two at most. But I started to realize that a lot of the times, open doors and great awards might not always be what is ‘best’. And ironically, sometimes closed doors are exactly what you need.
If we had won tonight, no doubt it would’ve been great. But I predict that the prestige of winning would suddenly mean more to me than the experience itself and I would’ve shortchanged the journey for what it is worth.
Note to future self: There will be times when things don’t seem justified but there will also be times when you are satisfied with your reward. Regardless, the feeling of satisfaction should be a result of effort and not outcome. Handle disappointment with class. But even more importantly, handle success with humility.
My mother. She is always beautiful. Done with Conte crayon and beads.
Finished yesterday, at last.
GIRL you are so talented! Excited for your future :)
Inspiring. I miss having time for art.